Redifining Normal.

I have decided that it is time for me to look closer at my definition of "normal". I keep thinking that when something throws me off kilter for the week that I am no longer at the center of "normal". But what I have found upon reflection is that the older my kids get and the more we move that "normal" is a myth. That the definition must lie with the person because in no way would I ever describe my day like Websters "normal". Since what happens here happens every day, this must be my "normal".
Normal for us would be:
Husband working late, or late notice of weekend hours therefore cancellation of my plans. Normal.
Kids acting up and zapping my energy.Normal.
Husband coming home and too tired to take care of kids so I cannot leave until the kids are in bed. Normal.
Liking to clean because it makes me feel good. Normal.
Kids don't want to play sports.Normal.
Everyone else may have come to this redefining earlier than me, but I finally got here. I happy existing in my own little world. I love the interaction of other moms,playmates for my kids, but most of the time I like it to be just us.
SO! No more justification as to why something may or may not happen.I am just tired of feeling like I am running behind trying to keep up or even on the peripheries of everyone else. Individualism is good.

Group therapy...

Hello, my name is Amanda and I am an emotional eater. (Hello, Amanda). I feel like this should be printed on some sort of disclaimer to be worn on my sleeve. So when I show up to a restaurant or out with my loved ones and friends, they won’t keep asking me why I won’t eat what they have offered. I have been buckling down and REALLY trying to be good. Find my “triggers” and reassess them and relearn them. For whatever reason, this past week worked against me on all counts. I don’t know if it’s because we had Monday off, Tuesday I started my class, or that Tanner missed the bus on Tuesday, the computer crashed and had to be fixed, Bobby finally got word he did NOT get that New Jersey job (that was a GOOD thing)Tanner was a beast at the doctor’s office, I got to fight and be shafted with the medical insurance and then I got to turn around and go back to the doctor’s office the next morning for frick-n-fracks well checks. It was just one thing after another. I tried to keep the running going. I tried to keep the eating in check. And I really didn’t screw up too bad but I wasn’t as diligent as I have been. Shame.on.me. I think I am my own worst critic. Also something to work on. The list keeps growing. One thing at a time. As a mom, my stress knows no bounds some days. But thanks to the wonders of the internet I got sympathy from many quarters. It’s nice to know I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t the only mom whose kids have totally, publicly embarrassed them. Thank goodness for the kindness of friends.

Endorphins make you happy!

The Frustration I feel as a parent some days feels like it oozes out from my pores. I feel like once it gets turned on that nothing can make it stop. That everything makes it worse. I start snapping at everyone and it just snowballs. Yesterday I had to take my oldest to the Doctor. It was the worst.visit.ever. He had to get a cotton swab for strep and when I say I was embarrassed at his behavior, it was the understatement of the year. I was shocked at his reaction to this procedure. He was kicking and screaming and cursing. Horrible. He, of course, is grounded for the weekend, but wow. The doctor couldn’t have been kinder about the whole thing, thank goodness. Today I was thinking about it and I realize my child was scared and knew what was expected of him but just couldn’t suck it up and do it. Today I can sympathize with him, but how do you tell a 7 year old to “man up”? Frustration. Now I get to take Frick n frack to the doctor for their well checks. The well checks I haven’t done in 2 years. Let’s pray for no shots. I cannot handle the crying today. The Medical insurance we have is screwing us so today is a crap shoot if they will even cover it. *deep breath deep breath deep breath*
The children have hidden the remote. Again. Frustration.
Bobby is going out of town for the weekend. Frustration.
I’m too sore from my trainer to work out. Frustration.
I am a big believer in karma. Is this it? Is this retribution for something I have done? I hope not. Next week has GOT to be better.
This week has wrecked all my hard work at my good eating habits. All I want to do is stress eat. I gave up smoking and now I want to sit and smoke smoke smoke. I can feel the urge curling up inside me. I haven’t broken yet…

Shakin' in my Sauconys.

I had an old High School friend call me up recently wanting to know if I would run with her. What she really wants to do is train together for a half marathon. She knows that I have done one before and wanted to do one with me. I agreed. I had serious self doubts because after the last one I was hurting.. badly. But I agreed. Thing is she lives in Florida and I live in Northwest Indiana. Not like we can hit the treadmills together. So we are virtually training and keeping each other in line. Oh and the half we decided to do? It's in out nations capitol. We are flying in to run in this half together, never having trained together before and not either one of living there. What.were.we.thinking?????? Holy moly!
This really couldn't have happened at a better time. It truly must be someone upstairs looking out for me. I have been really struggling with how to get motivated to run again. I am not an outside runner. I actually like the treadmill. But it seemed normal life was conspiring to keep me off of one and I couldn't motivate myself to go beyond the box to find a solution. When Mickey D called and asked me, I felt that spark of interest in trying for this one. I think I just need goals and a cause. There wasn't many races I ran last year that didn't have a purpose of some sort. This one in D.C. is hosted by the Marine corp and represents all the branches of military service. Since I have a cousin in the Navy who is deployed, I felt like it would be cool to do this in recognition of his service. Whether he likes it or not.(He is younger than me so I can be bossy like to him). My friend is married to a Marine and her step-dad was a Marine who served during the war and was wounded. So this is for them. Having only started running a year ago, I still find it an odd fit in my life, but one I am slowly adapting to.There are so many cool races that I tried last year. The best part is that I have made bonds with people that I would have never guessed just having this one little thing in common. I like how it makes me feel and I am beginning to love the anticipation of race day. I may never be first or even fiftieth, but the start to finish is all that matters to me.

Fine state of mind

I have started the New Year re-making my priority list. Mainly putting myself on it. I have finally after 10 years of marriage and 7 and a half as a parent, put myself on my big list of "Things To Do". I find this interesting because I am as important as the rest of the people in the house, but as a mom and wife it seemed my wants, were the first thing to get shoved to the side. Maybe it is because for the most part I am a stay at home mom. But I think that I was taught by example growing up that what momma wants isn't always something that she gets. It's hard for me to accept this, the female rights person that I am, but I have finally caught onto myself not only doing it, but being okay with it. A far worse crime in my eyes. So now, I am putting aside things I normally scramble around doing for others and the house and am working on incorporating into my day something for me. Whatever I choose, be it running in the morning after I drop off frick-n-frack or sitting and catching up on correspondence for a little bit while the kids are gone. I am still multi-tasking as there is always laundry running or dishes washing. But cleaning will now be for the weekends when there is not the pressure of a time clock. I used to hear it in my dreams obsessively plotting out every waking minute to get the most from it. NOT anymore. I still have a jam packed day but its not all about how my house looks and how many chores I can mark off my list at the end of the day. I have been learning to sit at night and think back on my day and be happy with the way I feel and how I got to spend time with the kids sitting because its not going to happen for very much longer. I think this change was a long time coming and the other health changes I am doing at the same time will continually make me stronger. When the doctor back in October gave me a pass and told me how to fix what was wrong with some diet and exercise changes to my lifestyle, I was only half-hearted in my efforts, but when the problem persisted, I started to get scared. I cracked down and have been following her suggestions and am seeing the results. I hate it when holistic Doctors are right. They seem so quack-ish when they are dispensing their advice, but darned if it didn't work. Except for her whole "less stress" advice... I think she was probably joking about that one. I mean seriously, I eat stress for breakfast and LIKE it.
(I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes,
know where I'm going and I know what to do
I tidied up my point of veiw
I got a new attitude!)-Patti LaBelle

Lyrics for Life

Officially it is not "Winter" in my book until there is a snow day from school. Friday was it. My oldest was so excited when he woke up and heard there would be no school. And the sun was shining. The.Sun.Was.Shining. It happens so infrequently in Winter here I feel it is worth pointing out. So it's a Friday, a snow day and the sun is shining. The kids are behaving life is good.I felt so productive that when the wind died down in the afternoon I went to plow the driveway for Bobby.The kids got all bundled up and out we went. The city plows had just been by and had pushed about 3 feet of snow to the end of my driveway. I was so frustrated. I could do the driveway, but that part was daunting. I refuse to shovel so I decided to tackle the stuff I could do first and worry about the other later. I get to the top of the driveway and turn around and there is my neighbor with his snow plow doing the 3 foot pile. Thank God for generous neighbors. I truly was just going to drive the 4wd over the pile until it was smushed down. That was going to be my big solution. I think most of the things that happen to me always remind of random song lyrics. Weird? Probably. But fun! I will be somewhere or doing something or see something and without fail some song lyric will stick in my head. So after he helped me the Beatles song " I get by with a little help from my friends" came to mind. I have been humming it ever since.

Hurts so good.

I was so desperate to get away from my kids for a little bit, I took them all to the gym.It took us almost 45 min. to get there as they had to 1.Whine about going.2. Antagonize each other until someone cried 3.Take forever getting their shoes on and loading up in the car. Once there they settled in and off I went to the treadmill. Time to start seriously running again. I thought I would do my 3 miles on the allotted time of 35 minutes that the treadmills are programmed for. I chose my music and started her up. At mile 1 I was sweating so hard I had to wipe it out of my eyes. By mile 2 I was noticing that my allotted time was almost up. WHAT! Did I see that right?! Surely not. I can AT LEAST do what I was doing 4 months ago, right? Nope. Apparently not. At 35 min I was .10 of a mile shy of 3. Holy cow. I just cannot believe that I let myself get that far back. I knew from my weekly training sessions that I was very out of shape, but ...Wow. Just wow. Now I am feeling all sorts of things. Disappointment that I couldn't keep it together. Frustration because it will be four times harder losing than maintaining. Unbelievable.Depressed because it feels like I will never see what used to be again. Ugh! I hate getting older and not wiser. I was needing a jump start and this is it. No more. I need some mental tricks to keep me in line. The snacking is out of control when I'm stressed or feeling down I need to find an alternative solution. Maybe 10 sit ups for every time I want to go to the kitchen.This could go either way. I could either burn off what I chew, OR I will have a better middle section. Sounds like a plan. Hmm, I will keep you posted.

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

I have never been more happy to see the New Year come in. Between all the fuss of the Christmas holiday, I am ready for the calm of the new year. The children have been pampered and spoiled until they are rotten, they are the first that need to go back to school. Then there is the husband who has put himself into a food-football- family Tri-fecta coma, he is the next that needs to go back to work. And myself, I cannot be MORE ready to be in a quiet house, putting everything away and having it stay there. My school doesn't start until the 3rd week of January and I am going to love every quiet moment I can. I am going to put all that quiet moments memories into my brain and pull it out when I need it most.
The other moment that I look forward to is the traditional Making Of The New Years Resolutions. Of course I make them. Very few people I know do not make them. I have thought about these carefully, and while some seem like they are an every year thing, I think that this is the year of completing them. Last year I did several things that I thought I would never do. I started my journey toward my Masters. This isn't something I thought would happen until the kids graduated High School.I took one class, and did well. The other thing I did was run in a half marathon. I am not a runner. I never ran in my life. Until last January. I started (haven't figured out why) and started entering short races. Had fun and decided to push myself and entered a half. What I learned from that was I need a whole lot more than 2 months to train to run 13.1 miles in one stretch. I also figured out that I did it. I didn't do it fast, or graceful, but I did it.I am capable I learned. So riding on the tails of these accomplishments, I am going to resolve to do another.
Resolutions:
1. Enter and run another half marathon.
2. Continue working towards my masters.
In the spirit of these 2 resolutions, I am going to add a few more that will help make them better than before.
3.Stop smoking. Not just cut back, but stop. I can do it, I know I can.
4.Get serious about my weight loss. This will make me a better runner and a happier Amanda.
5. Be more positive about myself. This is something I struggle with daily. It is time to stop struggling...

The biggest thing this year is going to be to simplify. Simplify my relationships and how I perceive everything. I have a lot on my plate and I am going to need all the peace I can in order to have everything run smoothly.
I am sure that I will be adding to this list for a few weeks. Or more. Happy New Year to everyone, I wish a safe and healthy New Year!